I have to get this off my chest.
Everyone has stories about how their parents supported them and loved them. For me they loved me and supported me but they wanted me to be like them. They wanted me to be sad, lonely and in pain constantly.
After I starting dating, my parents refused to buy me clothes, told me stories of the horrid experiences they had, they would talk badly about themselves and me. I ended up hating the way I looked and the way I did anything and became this bottle of hatred for myself I refused to draw, sing, or anything. This lasted 5 years, I just sat on my bed hating, With Help from friends and my current boyfriend I have gained back my self confidence and I feel better about myself. I sing and I try to look nice. My parents hate it especially my mother. She will sit in her chair whining about her life about how she’s old, ugly, broken, useless, and worthless. No matter how many people tell her otherwise. She has come to believe her own lies. She has recently come just to not care about me.
The area we live in as small amounts of gang activity, Last month I witnessed this. A black truck drove by, the echo of a pistol shot and a flash on the bed of the truck. There was a whizz and I knew whoever they were, they were aiming at me, I was not hit, but in a feared state I ran home. I called the police and reported it, once i had finished mom has asked me to tell her and I did. I kid you not all she said to me looking at her saying “I was almost shot.” Her only response was “Well that can happen in this area.” She went back to what she was doing.
After telling her about something that had happened with my ex, she shrugged and told me “Suck it up, I’ve been though worse. I knew all along so why are you crying so much about it.” If I were to sleep wrong and have a crook in my neck she’ll call me a to suck it up. When I had bruised my kidneys I was told that “There is much worse than that so shut up and stop being a baby.” When I told her about the issues my close friend was having just to vent she told me that “It would Just be easier if someone came up to ‘em and shot them.”
I know very few of you will read this, but I had to tell someone. My mother hates my want to be a strong person and is trying to pull me into the abyss of her depression. I will not let that happen.